


You Wake Each Day With Your Thoughts

by then00breturns1101



Series: DnD-nanigans [1]
Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game), Original Work
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Intrusive Thoughts, Medium depictions of violence, Trauma, and one of them almost killed the others with a battleaxe, if nine characters were in a dnd party, would that be fucked up or what
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:29:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25991362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/then00breturns1101/pseuds/then00breturns1101
Summary: Portia knows she has a tendency to anger, but she always used it for good: to protect her family, friends, and teammates. When she is turned against those she strives to protect, how will they deal with the aftermath?
Relationships: Original Male Character & Original Female Character, Portia High-Hill & Vahlock "Biggs" Kul
Series: DnD-nanigans [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1886455
Comments: 3
Kudos: 9





	You Wake Each Day With Your Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> Basically a DnD session absolutely fucked me up and i HAD to write this scene ok

The scene of the fight replayed over and over in Portia’s head, echoing and amplifying like a scream in a canyon. The sound of her weapon cracking against bone, over and over. Indistinct, muffled shouts from around her. Blades against her skin, slashing, bruising, bleeding, burning, until finally everything faded from red to black.

And then it would begin again. The action of turning around, away from the monster, and instead fighting the skeleton they’d worked so hard to save before. Swinging with all her strength. A sick satisfaction at the sight of his terrified face.

It made her want to vomit.

She tried once again to shake the thoughts out of her mind. She had to keep watch. Couldn’t let another monster like that take them by surprise in the night, when they were all so vulnerable.

 _Of course, maybe you shouldn’t be on the watch,_ her treacherous mind whispered. _Do they really trust you? **Should** they? You turned on them once, what’s stopping you from doing it again? It would be so easy. Strike them down while they’re asleep. They trust you. They would never see it coming. It would be over so fast, just bring your axe down and—_

“Shut up _,”_ she hissed, nails of her free hand digging into her other arm. Like maybe if she held tight enough, she could stop herself if the vicious rage overtook her again.

 _You know that wouldn’t work,_ her mind supplied again. _When you **really** want to kill, it’ll take more than just some fingernails to hold you back. They’ll have to rip you apart. Burn you, break your limbs, make you—_

“I said _shut up!_ ”

A noise behind her made her jump, and both her hands instinctively gripped her battleaxe as she turned.

“It’s me, Portia,” came the deep, rumbling voice of Biggs. She relaxed as the familiar light of his magic chased the shadows from the room. “Is everything alright?”

“Yes Biggs, thank you, I’m…” Portia sighed and turned back to the door. “I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not,” Biggs replied plainly. Clearly, it was no use arguing with him on this point. He sat down next to her, and Portia didn’t miss the fact that he was just a few inches away from her—the same distance they would’ve sat apart before she turned on them.

She didn’t want it to feel like a relief that the kindest, most caring member of their party wasn’t afraid of her, but it did. At least she hadn’t attacked _him,_ too.

“You don’t have to be so hard on yourself, Portia.” Biggs looked down at her and tried to smile reassuringly. “We all know that wasn’t… it wasn’t _you._ You’re a kind person and a loyal friend; you would never willingly turn against us like that.”

“…You’re right. But that doesn’t change the fact that I did. If it hadn’t been for Damakos, I could have killed someone.”

“Ah, but you didn’t! Gaster’s alive, and so are you, and the rest of us. It turned out okay.”

“That doesn’t change how close it was! I almost—and Grillby— _gods,_ that must have been awful for him to watch.” Some small, selfish part of her was grateful—grateful that when Grillby did finally unleash his power, it was against the monster and not her. If it had been her in the same situation, she didn’t know if she would’ve had that restraint. Clearly, restraint in battle was not something she could count on herself for.

“Bur Portia, you _didn’t kill him._ You missed that attack, and spared Gaster his life. You were fighting back against the spell’s hold, and you broke free.”

“…That’s the thing, Biggs. I didn’t.”

“What do you mean?”

“I wasn’t fighting back. I wasn’t fighting against the charm. Every time I swung,” she turned to him and looked him in the eyes, “I aimed to _kill._

“There was no fighting back,” she went on. “I couldn’t. The spell only broke when I was knocked out, not because I snapped out of it myself.”

At this, Biggs went quiet again. He looked away from her, and back towards the door.

“…Regardless of the circumstances of the charm,” he began, “and whether you snapped yourself out or we did, I’m very glad you’re back. And that you’re alive. I know I can’t exactly speak for the others, but I’m sure they’re glad you’re alright as well. You’re a valuable friend. It would be awful to lose you.”

Portia smiled a bit. That selfish, lonely part of her couldn’t help how his kind words washed away some of her fear. The pain of her friends not trusting her anymore was worse than any of the battle wounds she had sustained. To know that Biggs—gentle soul that he was—didn’t fear her, was a comfort.

“Thank you,” she murmured, and they shifted into comfortable silence once more.

As the quiet filled the room, there was no distraction to Portia’s thoughts, and they began ringing once again.

 _He’s so naïve,_ they hissed. _Either he’s faking his trust, and still expects you to turn on him; or he’s **so** foolish and trusting that he wouldn’t be able to defend himself if you do. You could strike him right here. Maybe not kill him, he’s still strong, but what about the others? There would be no time for him to stop you before you could already strike Gaster, or Tiny, or Damakos—_

“Biggs,” Portia said abruptly, trying to shake those _damn thoughts_ from her head, “I know you trust _me,_ but the others… have a point. There’s no way we could be sure it wouldn’t happen again. If another one of those monsters appears, it might do the same thing.”

“…We’ll be more prepared this time. It wouldn’t catch us unawares.”

“Right. I’m… trying to prepare. Just in case.” She took a deep breath and turned to face him again. “I’m not just asking you for this as my teammate—I'm asking you as my friend. Biggs, if you see me turn like that again, please don’t hesitate to do _whatever it takes_ to stop me.”

Biggs’ eyes widened, a little taken aback. “Ports, I—you know—you know I wouldn’t kill you for that!”

“…I know. And I hope it will never come to that. But please, just make sure _I_ don’t kill anyone. I won’t be able to stop myself if I’m charmed like that again.”

Her desperate gaze didn’t leave him until he finally nodded.

“Alright. But no more than necessary. I don’t want to kill you, either.”

“Of course,” Portia smiled. “You’re too kind for that.”

“And if… dragon forbid, if anything of the sort were to happen to me—” Biggs stopped when he felt Portia’s hand on his arm.

“—Then I won’t let you kill anyone, either.”

He smiled back gratefully. “Thank you.”

Portia nodded and returned her attention to the doorway.

_What if you don’t stop him, though? What if you join him? The two of you, strongest of your group, you would be **unstoppable** —_

Portia gave her temple an annoyed swat. “Didn’t I tell you to shut up?”

Biggs turned around, a little surprised, but his face softened with understanding when he realized what was going on.

“Ah—quiet nights make chatty minds, don’t they? Let’s keep talking, then. Why don’t you tell me about your family at home?”

She smiled, grateful for the distraction, and began to speak.

It was easier to keep angry thoughts at bay when she was talking about those she loved.


End file.
